Today = Heartbreak

Thank you so much for all the love and support that we feel being thousands of miles away.  We are up here all alone in upstate New York dealing with the worst day of our lives and we are just receiving an outpouring of support from friends, family and even strangers.  I can't tell you how much we appreciate it.

There is so much emotion pent up inside me - and the tears just won't stop falling.  I am not sure how I could fall in love with someone so fast - it has only been 3 days - but, that sweet, perfect little girl stole my heart right underneath me.  Sarah, our birth mom, after promising to not change her mind - changed her mind this morning.  The adoption agency is pretty certain that her mom was behind this situation.  I am not angry with her - I am just extremely sad and in pain for myself.

I want to give you some background information about her and her family - and then I want you to continue to pray for Emma (the name Sarah has chosen for our sweet little Kinley) and her family.  Before we flew up here, we knew about Sarah and I have withheld a lot of information from this blog because it was so personal for Sarah, but I feel like I have to share it now because it is all part of a bigger story. 

Sarah tried to commit suicide when she first learned she was pregnant.  She was living with a 46 year old man that was not working and had no interest in having kids and she didn't think there was anywhere else for her to go.  She thought she had made the biggest mistake in her life.  After this episode and a stay in the psychiatric ward, this is when she first contacted the adoption agency and got some information about putting her baby up for adoption.  A month after contacting the agency, she and the baby's father got back together and she put a hold on any of the adoption proceedings.  As soon as the birth father found out she was having a girl, he didn't want to have anything to do with her and basically threw her out like trash and then a potential adoption was back on.  After months of talking with the agency, they finally thought she was stable in her decision and that is when we found out in January that we were matched with Sarah.  When we talked with the lawyer in NY, he said that Sarah has a good head on her shoulders, but she always tends to get herself in trouble by making really bad decisions.  Today, her sister found a text message on her phone she sent to someone that said "I just want to die in my sleep."  This, of course, got her sister and her mother worried about it - which I think is why they eventually changed their mind.  I never want anyone to kill themselves over what they have given me - but, this girl needs more help than parenting a baby.  She probably needs more psychiatric help and I hope that Emma does not get her in the process.

A little more family background - Sarah has 3 sisters and 1 brother.  Two of the sister's and Sarah have now 8 kids between them and only 2 (counting Emma) live with their mothers.  I don't know the circumstances in all of these kids not living with them - but, I can't imagine just letting the father's take the children.  Knowing Hailey's circumstances with my brother and Hailey's mom, it was NOT a good situation.  Chris got custody because of very bad situations with her mom.  Sarah has a son that she doesn't really see on a regular basis which was another reason why she wanted to give the baby up for an adoption.  She didn't think it was right that her son get left behind while she spent all of her energy parenting a new baby.  I pray that he doesn't get hurt in all of this as well.

Like I said above, I have so many emotions other than just feeling sad for Tony and I...

...I feel bad for my friends and family that have spent their money giving us great things for a baby that we aren't bringing home.  It doesn't mean we won't get a girl someday where we can use these things - but, the name Kinley will not be used so much of the stuff goes to waste and I am so sorry for that.  Heck, I think that my mom was helping the economy all by herself with the beautiful things she bought...and I am so sorry to think it all may have been for nothing.

...I feel sad for my grandmother.  She came up for my shower while still grieving for my grandfather and she said it makes her feel better that the circle of life is working.  My grandfather dies, but gets replaced by a brand new baby in the family.  How do I tell her that we don't have a replacement?

...I am mad at myself for thinking we would fall into the 80% (higher normally if the birth mom meets the adoptive parents before the birth) of adoptions through our agency that go through smoothly.  I never thought I would fall into that 20% category.

...I feel anxious to get back home, but I don't know how I go back to work without the tears flooding to my eyes at work.  And, I don't know how I face my house that has a precious little room all set up for a sweet little baby.  How do I open the closet full of adorable girl clothes?

...I feel nervous to ever go through this process again.  It was so HARD!  I have never cried this much in my life.  I am truly heartbroken.  I know that if we want a baby, this is our avenue - but, taking that leap of faith to put ourselves back out there again is going to be so difficult.

...I feel so bad for my husband.  He is the sweetest, kindest man in the world - he will do anything for me.  And, he is heartbroken that he can't give me a baby.  He was weeping about it this morning - and I tried to reassure him that this did not happen because of him.

Again, I want to thank each and every one of you for the prayers you have given my family.  As bad as I feel now, I know it could be a lot worse if I didn't have God and all your prayers on my side.  I am so thankful to have the best friends and family in the world.  In a book that Sarah made for Kinley for us to give to her, she put a quote in there from Oprah...I am not going to get it exactly correct...but, it goes something like this.  "True friends are not those that ride in the limo with you, but the ones that ride the bus when the limo breaks down"  I think I have many bus riders in my life and I am so blessed to have you there.  From the bottom of my heart, I appreciate your love and support.  Tony does too.